


A Very Kings Christmas

by thegreennoodle



Category: Kings (TV 2009)
Genre: Alcohol, Christmas, Crack, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Gen, Humor, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Sex, OH GOD WHY, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 08:19:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5368175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreennoodle/pseuds/thegreennoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>David spends his first Christmas in Shiloh. It doesn't go like he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Kings Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> This was spawned from many cracky conversations between me and [cayleedactyl](http://cayleedactyl.tumblr.com/)

David had always enjoyed Christmas. It was a time to stay indoors and hangout with his brothers. His mom would make them hot chocolate and they would decorate the tree with the same ornaments the Shepherds have had since David was five. They never bothered with the outside of the house, but they enjoyed covering the living room with bright lights and wreaths and stockings. 

He was looking forward to continuing those traditions this year. Of course, it wouldn't be the same without Eli or Ethan. Ethan still had a month to go with his prison sentence and Eli was, well, still dead. David's oldest brothers had their own children to look after, so they would be distracted. But David at least still had his brother Daniel to enjoy festivities with. If their was enough snow, David would use his “baby brother” charm to round up a few brothers to play outside. There was always a snowball fight, and David could make an excellent snowman, if he said so himself. 

When he was alone in his small apartment in Shiloh at night, he would watch Christmas specials on TV and look forward to seeing his family for the holiday. 

Or, at least he had looked forward to it. Really, he had expected nothing else but a positive answer when he asked the king for a week-long furlough. But as usual, Silas managed to surprise him. 

“I'm afraid I can't do that, Captain,” the older man replied. Court had adjourned for the day and the king looked as ready to leave as his ministers. 

David was bewildered. Surely the king didn't need the military liaison over the holiday? David couldn't remember a time when war was spoken of at this time of year. “Why not, sir? I'd like to go see my family.”

“Because,” Silas answered, glancing at his watch, “you're going to spend Christmas with me and my family.”

“I-what?” David hadn't been expecting that. Of course, he was honored to be invited and excited for the chance to see Michelle, but this was sudden. Wasn't it just last week that the king had given him a soda that had trace amounts of poison in it? (It didn't effect him too badly, but he couldn't leave his bathroom for a day after.)

“You heard me.” Silas stood and clapped his shoulder. “I usually like to keep holiday dinners private, but some years we like to have guests. And this year, we're inviting you. You are going to come, right?”

David knew he didn't have a choice. “Of course, sir. I'm honored.”

“Sorry about your family, but you should be able to send them a nice gift with that Christmas bonus, huh?”

“I didn't know we received Christmas bonuses.”

“Everyone in Shiloh gets one. Jack was supposed to give it to you a few days ago. Didn't you get it?”

A blank look.

Silas sighed. “Goddamn it, Jack.”

 

So now it almost a week later and David was sitting at the dinner table with the royal family. Silas sat at the far right with Queen Rose sitting across from him. On Silas' side was Jack, and Andrew and William Cross. Next to Rose was Michelle, David, and Reverend Samuels. David was happy with this. He was between his secret girlfriend and his friend. He was also not directly in Jack's line of sight, which was good because the man hadn't stopped glaring at everyone since he walked in the room. 

The event was going well so far. The small talk was pleasant and the food was delicious. He avoided talking to the queen and her family. He had never really clicked with any of them, especially not William. Only a few servants were attending, which made David more comfortable. 

He was in a good mood today. His family had been understanding. He had bought and sent them a plasma screen TV as a gift (Thomasina earlier gave him his bonus herself, with many apologies). But naturally, the peace couldn't last long.

“Jack, could you pass me the salt?” he asked.

The prince didn't respond and continued to saw at his meat. 

“Jack, stop being rude,” Silas ordered.

“Shut up, dad. You never loved me,” Jack responded moodily.

“You do this every goddamn year!”

“Sir, it's really not that big a deal-”

“Shut up and eat your dinner, David.”

Silas huffed and leaned back, obviously already done with his son. His gaze quickly shifted to David. He leaned in toward his wife and whispered loudly “Remember, don't let him know I''m actually trying to poison him.”

David paused in lifting his fork to his mouth. Did he hear that right?

“Shut up, Silas!” the reverend demanded. He, too, looked completely done.

“You shut up, Samuels! Why are you even here?”

“You invited me!”

“You people are already giving me a headache,” William complained. “It's only been twenty minutes!”

“You want to throw down, William? 'Cause we can throw down!” Silas declared, banging his fist on the table.

David was beginning to panic. What was happening here?

“I don't know why I even came. It's the same every year. Ah!” William cried out as Jack threw his dinner knife at his uncle's head.

Suddenly, it seemed like everyone at the table was yelling. Food was thrown, obscenities were oathed, someone pulled out a mace.

“Oh boy,” Michelle sighed. She tugged on David's hand. “Let's go!”

She dragged him away from the table and into the hallway. No one noticed them leave. “And I was really hoping it would be different this year.”

“Is...is it always like that?” David asked, still not quite believing what he just saw. They were all usually so composed.

“Oh yeah. We should get out of here before it gets worse. Last year they had to call in a SWAT team.”

David would have thought they would have left the manor, but instead Michelle pulled him into a supply closet, where they made-out for several hours.

 

Meanwhile, back at the table, the chaos grew.

Jack was brandishing the gravy boat as a weapon. Silas and Samuels were engaged in a sword fight. Where they got the swords, no one knew. Rose had given up on pouring herself glasses of wine and was drinking straight from the bottle. William was going on about how he hated all of them and Andrew was filming it all on his phone. 

Silas was gaining the upper hand in the fight when Jack came up and tripped him. The king had to roll to avoid Samuels' blade swinging down.

“Jack, what the hell?” he demanded.

Jack scowled down at his father. “Why the hell did you invite Shepherd? You know I can't stand the sight of him. Here, have some gravy.” 

Silas cried out as Jack poured the hot gravy on his face. “What did I do to deserve this?”

“I don't know where to start.”

“Fuck off, Samuels!”

Silas quickly got to his feet. Why was he putting up with this nonsense? He was the king! “Guards! Get in here and do something!”

The two guards that were stationed outside walked in casually. There was a collective groan when they took in the scene before them. They didn't get paid enough for this.

One of them disarmed Samuels while the other attempted to take the gravy boat away from Jack, who wasn't making it easy.

“Oh the hell with this!” Silas cried. “I'm out of here! Maybe I'll go spread some _Christmas cheer_ elsewhere.”

The remainder of the room ignored their king as he walked out. William grabbed his son and stormed out after, grumbling under his breath. Samuels sat next to Rose, who graciously passed him the wine bottle. They drank deeply and watched the guards continue to struggle against Jack. The prince's strength always seemed to double when he was angry. Every time someone approached, Jack would use the sweet fight moves he learned in the army to fend them off.

It took half an hour to get that gravy boat away from him. 

 

As king, Silas has learned how to handle large amounts of stress. But things have just been too much for one man to handle as of late. First the business with Port Prosperity, then his children acting up, David Shepherd stealing the favor of his people and somehow living through six non-consecutive poisonings. But this most recently failed Christmas dinner was the straw that broke the camel's back. Silas just couldn't handle it anymore. He had spent his life building his country and looking after his people. And what did he get in return?

He had to do something about this pent-up aggression before he died of a heart attack and Gilboa fell all to hell. Rose was strong but she couldn't rule on her own. William didn't give a damn about the people and both his children were too busy lusting after Shepherd's cock to be of any use.

As it was Christmas Day, most people in Shiloh were in their homes having normal, sane family dinners. Nobody out to bother the king on the street. And even if there were, Silas could just tell them to go away. One of the many privileges of being a king.

He paused out in front of a shop window. On display inside was a Santa suit. A familiar sight. Silas had been seeing them every holiday season for as long as he could remember. But something about this bright red costume struck a chord with him. He was overcome with the urge to have it. And so he punched through the glass like a true bad ass motherfucker and took it out. He could pay for it later. What were they going to do? _Arrest him?_

He chuckled darkly to himself as he slipped the velvet material on over his suit. Yes, he and this Santa costume would do great things together. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed. “Thomasina, come meet me downtown. No, I don't care if your sister is finally talking to you again. Get over here.”

 

William scowled as he gazed out his office window. The city of Shiloh was decorated with green and red. There were festive lights and trimmings as far as the eye could see. The smells of gingerbread, peppermint, and roasted meat perfumed the streets. There was a feel of joy and peace in every neighborhood. 

It made him sick.

Sure, Christmas was the most profitable seasons of the year. CrossGen made double their usual revenue from Christmas lights alone. But where was the fun in that? The stupid music and the caroling and the gift-buying never failed to give William a migraine. 

The people were being docile in their homes and even the soldiers from both Gilboa and Gath had agreed to a momentary truce. It made him furious. If no one was fighting, who was he going to sell weapons to? All this “good will” was costing him money!

“Is something wrong, Father?” Andrew asked. His son was sitting at his desk and eating pizza straight from the box. They had bribed the owner of the pizzeria to come in and make it just for them.

“Yes, son,” he answered. “Every year Christmas gets more and more unbearable. So many lights and friendliness and noise. Oh God, _the noise_! Not to mention that nobody is focusing on the war.” 

“Then why don't you do something about it?” Andrew suggested calmly. “You have the means to do so.”

“I-” William paused. His son was right! He was the real driving force in Shiloh! Silas was little more than a figure-head. He could do whatever he wished to this city. “You're right, Andrew. And I think I know just how.”

 

Jack had started drinking as soon as he woke up today. He knew he would have to be sloshed if he wanted to get through this stupid holiday. It was bad enough that he would be stuck with his family, but his father had neglected to tell him that he had invited _Shepherd_. Looking at that stupid cocker-spaniel face across the dinner table made him want to punch something. He could see the blond stealing away his father's favor before his eyes. Silas only looked at Shepherd and his roast beef the entire meal. And why the hell was he seated next to Michelle? Were his parents finally approving of their relationship? Unacceptable. At this rate, his sister would be having Shepherd's miracle baby any day now.

After the guards released him, he came straight back to his apartment. His mother and the reverend were too drunk to stop him and Michelle had disappeared. (Heh, probably had fucking Shepherd tied to her bed by now.) All his favorite clubs were closed for the day, and his boyfriend was still dead so Jack couldn't go visit him and have kinky Christmas sex.

The more he drank, the clearer the answer became: he had to get rid of David Shepherd permanently. But he couldn't do it himself. The people would never support a king who was an open murderer, and every hit man in the city couldn't keep their mouths shut. Ridiculous, really. Jack knew that he would need to call in some outside force.

But who? He wanted Shepherd dead _now_ and there was no time to call in an assassin from Austeria. Today was worse than he thought it would be.

“This sucks,” he groaned. “I hate Christmas.”

Suddenly, the lights in his apartment shut off and there was a cold chill throughout the room. What the hell? He was the prince! Who would have the damn nerve to shut off his power? Probably fucking Uncle.

He cried out in surprise when a figure emerged from the shadows. What was this thing? With its black fur, pointed ears, long horns, and hooved feet, it certainly wasn't human. It carried a burlap sack that was slung across its shoulder.

“Look, I've had some freaky people hunt me down before, but this is a new one,” Jack said, his voice steady and disguising his fear. “And I'm flattered, really. I normally wouldn't say no to Christmas sex, but even I have some standards.”

“Foolish mortal,” the thing replied in its raspy voice. “I am Krampus. I am here to punish you for your lack of Christmas spirit.”

Okay, now Jack was annoyed. “I haven't had _Christmas spirit_ since I was twelve. Go find someone else to kill or whatever.”

“I am here for _you_ ,” Krampus insisted. “You've been on the naughty list for a long time.”

Jack raised a brow. “While I'm sure that's true, there are plenty of others who would be more worth your time and effort.”

“Like who?” the creature asked. 

“Well, my father for one,” Jack snorted. “Or-or David Shepherd. He's been _very_ naughty.”

“David Shepherd?” Krampus repeated. “But he's been on the Super-Deluxe-Golden-Good List for the past fifteen years.”

Jack felt something in his brain crack. “Yes, well, I think you should double check that. He's been trying to steal my crown, you know.”

“That is very naughty,” Krampus admitted. “Fine, I'll go pay him a visit. But be warned, Jack Benjamin, if you continue in your selfish ways-”

“Yes, yes, whatever,” Jack interrupted. “Shouldn't you be going? I have an urgent appointment with a bottle of peppermint vodka.”

Krampus scowled at the human, but left to go find his new prey. He could always come back for this prince later. He wanted vodka, too, damnit.

 

David and Michelle eventually managed to detach from each other. There was nothing like a good supply closet make-out.

Since they didn't get to finish dinner before the chaos erupted, they went and found a small Chinese restaurant that was open. There were only a few other patrons, so they got to have a private meal. It was nice. This actually felt like a proper date.

David was entertaining her with stories about his family. “...anyway, after we got Ethan's head out of the fence, Abraham comes running up and he's covered in fire ants. So dad sprays him with a fire extinguisher -”

Michelle, who had been listening intently, suddenly turned her head. “Did you hear something?”

“What? No,” he answered.

“There it is again!” she insisted.

David cried out and ducked when he saw something coming towards his head in his peripheral vision. He screamed again upon looking at his assailant. It was some sort of horned monster!

It was about to take another swipe at him when Michelle came to stand between them.

“Michelle, what are you doing?” he cried. The sight of the princess being close to that beast terrified him. “Get away from that thing!”

“Don't worry David. I got this,” she promised. She turned to stare intently at the monster. “Krampus, we meet again.”

“Michelle Benjamin,” the thing hissed. “I had hoped to never see your face again.”

“I thought I'd told you to stay out of my city,” she responded. “You have no reason to be here. I personally make sure every home in Gilboa has at least a wreath on the door every season.”

“Oh, but I do have prey this year!” Krampus announced. “David Shepherd!” He pointed to David, who dropped the egg roll he was munching on in shock. “You have been very naughty this year.”

“What? What did I do?” David demanded. “I'm always on the Nice List! Santa even let me help deliver presents last year!”

“You've been trying to steal the crown of Gilboa for yourself!” Krampus accused. 

“That's ridiculous!” Michelle cried. “David would have fled for the hills ages ago if my dad hadn't tied a cinder block to his leg.”

David grimaced at the memory. It took many weeks and many hammers to get that thing off.

Krampus looked at the frightened blond closely. “You're right,” he reluctantly admitted after a few moments. “This boy is too pure to do something like that. But there is definitely someone in this city who needs to be punished.”

Michelle gestured to the door. “Then I suggest you go find them. I won't have you cause anymore trouble here. Step away slowly from David. I will not have his face or his dick harmed in any way.”

Krampus nodded. “Very well, princess. May we live to fight another day.” He then disappeared into thin air, off to find someone to put in his sack.

David blinked slowly. “What just happened?”

“I've been keeping the people safe from Krampus since I was a child,” Michelle answered casually. “I have more Christmas spirit than anyone in Shiloh. Every year, I use my power to keep the demon away.”

“That is so awesome. I think I just fell in love with you again.” David was ecstatic. Finally, someone who harnessed as much Christmas spirit power as him!

“Why don't we go back to your apartment,” Michelle suggested. “We can watch Home Alone and have kinky Christmas sex.”

This Christmas was definitely going in David's Top Ten.

 

William cackled to himself. His plan to ruin Christmas was about to be realized.

He had laughed when one of his engineers had designed a rocket fueled sleigh. Really, what use could anyone have of that? It could go fast, but otherwise it was completely impractical. But now, it was going to come in handy.

Oddly enough, it had reins attached to the front instead of a steering wheel. Andrew had volunteered to drive, claiming he would know how. (What on earth had been son been _doing_ in exile?) William had agreed. He would have other things to focus on.

“Ready, Father?” Andrew asked. 

“Yes. But I was wondering, son, why are you wearing those antlers?”

“I like them. Nice and festive,” Andrew replied. He reached up to stroke the headband. 

William decided not to comment. 

Andrew snapped the reins and they drove into the empty streets. Too bad. William would have liked some pedestrians to hit. William pulled out his bazooka from the back and started to fire at every flashing light and plastic snowman. The panicked screams were music to his ears. This would have the people crying for more war and a bigger army in no time. He had made sure to paint Gath's flag on the side of the sleigh for good measure. 

The sight of of the explosions and fires were better than any decoration, in his opinion. He laughed as the city turned to rubble around him. This would teach Silas...something. Respect? Yeah, that was it.

They wreaked havoc until they came across a mother duck and her hatchlings crossing the street. Now Andrew was capable of some weird, creepy shit, but he didn't have it in him to hurt baby ducks. They were just too damn cute and fluffy. He jerked the reins to the side, causing the sleigh to slide on the road.

“Andrew, what are you doing?” William screamed.

“The ducks, Father! I have to protect them!”

The sleigh continued to spin until it collided with a bookstore. The impact caused an explosion that instantly killed everyone within a five mile radius. All that remained of William was a severed hand. A stray dog came and peed on it. 

Reverend Samuels, who had been watching the scene from the safety of a window in a five story bakery, was in that moment completely done with life.

“Nope,” he declared, raising his arms to the sky. A beam of bright light came from the sky and lifted him up. Samuels ascended straight to heaven from the sheer force of his will, where he was safe from all this damn nonsense for eternity.

 

Meanwhile, Silas was busy making the Santa suit even redder. How, you ask? With the blood of innocent people, of course. 

With Thomasina, who was dressed as an elf and looking completely done with the world, he located the cheeriest and merriest of families in Shiloh and slaughtered them in their homes. Who were they to have a happy Christmas while their king didn't? Their happy faces and matching sweaters infuriated him. He had to purge his city of this.

“Maybe I should just ban Christmas altogether,” he mused as he wiped his blade on the fat corpse of a father of four. “All it does is cause trouble.”

“Of course, sir,” Thomasina replied.

“What's my count so far?” 

“Eighteen people total, sir.”

“Excellent. At this rate I'll make it home in time to have kinky Christmas sex with Rose. If she's sober enough for it, that is.”

“It's doubtful, sir.”

“Oh, well. Who's next on the list?”

“I think I saw some carolers across the street.”

They were both startled by someone jumping in through the window. Standing there huffing and surrounded by broken glass was some sort of horned demon.

“What-” Silas started, but was interrupted by the creature. 

“You!” it snarled, pointing at the king. “You're the source of the naughtiness I've been sensing!”

“Excuse you, you're talking to the king!” Silas announced. He twirled his knife menacingly. “And said king is very busy at the moment. So if you'll kindly leave -”

“Oh no! You're not getting out of this!” Krampus swiftly opened his bag, grabbed Silas, and stuffed him inside. The man's kicking and yelling was easy to ignore. 

Krampus then turned to Thomasina, but one look from her had him scurrying back out the window. Because nobody fucked with Thomasina.

And in absence of the king, Thomasina then took over the throne for her own. She reigned gloriously as queen and brought Gilboa into a new Golden Age. Jack finally had a long overdue meltdown and then spent many months on a yacht with muscular sailors. Rose took over Crossgen and used the money to buy a new family in a place called Starling City. David and Michelle became the new Mr. and Mrs. Claus and spread much joy to the children of the world. God bless us everyone.


End file.
